By Dr. A.R. Khan
Ever felt like you're caught in a scene from a Bollywood drama, with a demanding director (family), a critical audience (society), and a script (your life) you didn't get to write?
Or perhaps, you’re in a relentless race, like a hero in a thrilling chase sequence, but the finish line keeps moving? Welcome to the exhilarating, often exhausting, world of expectations.
In 2023, the UPSC Civil Services Mains Examination threw a profound gauntlet with its essay topic: "Girls are weighed down by restrictions, boys with demands - two equally harmful disciplines." This wasn't just an academic exercise; it was a mirror held up to our society, reflecting the often-unseen burdens we carry. This profound statement perfectly encapsulates the genesis of our journey into understanding expectations.
For too long, we’ve engaged in a silent, often subconscious, gendered division of emotional labor. Girls are often expected to be demure, nurturing, graceful—adorned with the jewels of tradition, yet often shackled by its rigid framework. Boys, on the other hand, are groomed for valor, leadership, and financial prowess—burdened by the colossal weight of providing, protecting, and prevailing. Both are, in their own unique ways, equally insidious disciplines, shaping our identities before we even have a chance to fully form them. But this isn't just about gender; it's about the pervasive nature of expectations themselves.
The Unseen Architects: Where Do Expectations Come From?
Expectations, like silent architects, construct the very blueprints of our lives from the moment we draw our first breath. They are the invisible forces that shape our aspirations, often dictating our desires long before we consciously articulate them. But where do these formidable influences originate?
Our primary crucible of expectations is, undeniably, the family. From the doting grandparents envisioning their grandchild as a doctor or engineer, to parents who, with the best intentions, project their unfulfilled dreams onto their offspring. This isn't malicious; it's often a deeply rooted desire for their loved ones to have a "better" life. The doctor uncle's subtle nudge towards NEET preparation, the grandmother’s gentle lament about not having a musically inclined child—these are the threads that weave the tapestry of familial expectations. The expectation to uphold family honor or to continue a legacy can become a crushing weight.
Beyond the immediate family, our friendships and peer groups often serve as another layer of pressure. The siren call of keeping up with others is a powerful motivator during formative years. The pressure to conform, to keep pace, to "fit in," is powerful. If your peer group is acing entrance exams, securing coveted internships, or globetrotting, there’s an almost involuntary pull to emulate them. The fear of being left behind, of not measuring up to the perceived standards of your social circle, can be a potent source of self-imposed pressure. "Everyone else is doing it" becomes a mantra, a silent whip that drives us towards goals that may not entirely be our own.
Then there's society’s grand narrative, a powerful, omniscient force. The emphasis on academic excellence, stable government jobs, and early marriage are deeply ingrained cultural narratives. The glossy advertisements showcasing perfect families and successful individuals create a benchmark, a tacit understanding of what a "good life" entails. Social media amplifies this effect, presenting curated realities that often breed comparison and a sense of inadequacy. We are constantly bombarded with images of success, leading us to believe there's a specific, narrow path to happiness.
Perhaps the most potent and often overlooked source of expectation is the one that resides within us—our own ambitious, sometimes overly critical, selves. Fueled by past successes or a desire for self-improvement, we often set incredibly high, sometimes unattainable, standards for ourselves. This self-imposed pressure can be a powerful motivator, but it can also be a relentless taskmaster. The pursuit of perfection, the inability to accept anything less than stellar performance, can lead to a state of perpetual dissatisfaction. We become our own harshest critics, creating a formidable internal architecture of demands.
The Reality Check Paradox: Why We Falter
Here's the rub: while expectations are meticulously set, often with good intentions, a crucial step is frequently omitted—the reality check. We build towering castles in the air, but rarely inspect the foundations for cracks. Consequently, when the meticulously constructed edifice of expectation collides with the gritty, unpredictable landscape of reality, the ensuing dissonance is profound. The gap between what we hoped for and what actually transpires becomes a fertile ground for emotional turmoil.
This mismatch is a primary driver of the mental health crisis gripping our youth. When that dream job doesn't materialize, when the perfect partner remains elusive, when academic scores fall short of parental benchmarks, the psychological fallout can be devastating. Anxiety, stress, depression, and a profound sense of failure become unwelcome companions. This isn't a sign of weakness; it's a natural human response to the fundamental disconnect between our internal narratives and external realities.
As the great poet Robert Frost wrote in "The Road Not Taken," while we often choose one path and later wonder about the one not taken, the deeper truth is that many of the paths we are presented with have been laid out by others' expectations, and the journey itself can feel less like a choice and more like a predetermined course. The disappointment often comes not from the road itself, but from the realization that we are not living our own story.
Finding Our Way: Wisdom from Mind, Spirit, and the East
Fortunately, humanity has grappled with the burden of expectations for millennia, and various thinkers have offered profound insights on how to navigate this maze. Modern psychology offers a powerful lens. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), for instance, emphasizes that our thoughts, not just external events, shape our emotions and behaviors. Unrealistic expectations often stem from distorted thought patterns, and by learning to identify and challenge these irrational beliefs—"I must always succeed," "Everyone must approve of me"—we can significantly reduce our anxiety. Similarly, the work of Dr. Carol Dweck on mindsets offers another way forward. By cultivating a growth mindset, we can reframe challenges not as threats to our abilities, but as opportunities for learning and development.
This resonates deeply with ancient Indian philosophy. The Bhagavad Gita offers a cornerstone for dealing with expectations with its timeless teaching: "Karmaṇyevādhikāraste mā phaleṣu kadāchana"—"You have a right to perform your prescribed duty, but you are not entitled to the fruits of action." This isn't a call to apathy, but a profound invitation to focus on the effort, the process, and the journey, rather than being overly attached to the outcome. It encourages detachment from results, a powerful antidote to the anxiety born from unfulfilled expectations. The sage Swami Vivekananda echoed this sentiment, emphasizing selfless action and the importance of work for work's sake. He said, "Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on that idea... This is the way to success." While emphasizing intense focus, he subtly implies that the true expectation is not success itself, but the devotion to the idea.
Another potent concept is Santosha from the Yoga Sutras, meaning contentment. It teaches us to find satisfaction in what is, rather than perpetually striving for what isn't, thus tempering the relentless pursuit driven by external expectations. This isn't about becoming complacent, but about finding peace in the present moment, a necessary ballast against the storms of unfulfilled hopes.
Japanese philosophy, too, offers profound insights, particularly on the concept of imperfection and the beauty found in flaws. The aesthetic principle of Wabi-Sabi is a direct counterpoint to the relentless pursuit of perfection. It celebrates the beauty of things that are imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. This philosophy reminds us that life is not a flawless, polished object, but a collection of unique experiences, including our mistakes and failures. It teaches us to find beauty and value in the rough edges of our lives, rather than striving for an unattainable, idealized state. A related concept, Kintsugi, the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, is a powerful metaphor for our own lives. The philosophy behind it is that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. When our expectations break, we can choose to repair them not by hiding the cracks, but by illuminating them, recognizing that our scars and struggles are part of what makes us unique and resilient.
Preparing the Young Mind: A Foundation for Resilience
The battle against debilitating expectations begins in childhood. Here’s how we can equip our children to navigate the world with resilience:
- Foster Intrinsic Motivation: Instead of rewards and punishments, focus on nurturing a love for learning and effort. "You worked hard" is a far more empowering message than "You got an A."
- Embrace Imperfection: Model that mistakes are okay and a natural part of growth. Don't propagate the myth of flawless performance. Let them see you fail and recover.
- Cultivate Self-Compassion: Teach them to be kind to themselves when things don't go as planned. Self-criticism is a far greater enemy than external failure.
- Encourage Diverse Interests: Broaden their horizons beyond conventional academic or career paths. This reduces the singular focus on one area, thereby diffusing concentrated pressure.
- Open Communication: Create a safe space where children can articulate their fears, anxieties, and the pressures they feel without judgment.
- The Power of "No": Teach them the importance of setting boundaries and saying "no" to unreasonable demands, whether from peers, family, or society.
The Silver Lining: Expectations as Catalysts
Now, let's be clear. While unrealistic expectations can be pernicious, expectations themselves aren't inherently evil. In fact, they are often the very catalyst for progress, the fuel that ignites innovation and drives us towards self-improvement.
Imagine a world devoid of expectations. There would be no ambition, no desire to learn a new skill, no drive to excel, no aspiration to create a better future. The expectation of doing well in an exam pushes us to study. The expectation of professional growth motivates us to work harder. The expectation of a healthier life prompts us to exercise and eat well.
The key lies in transforming external, often arbitrary, expectations into internal, self-directed aspirations. When we internalize a goal, when it becomes genuinely our desire rather than someone else's imposition, it transforms from a burden into a powerful source of motivation. It moves from being a "demand" or a "restriction" to a personal challenge, a journey of self-actualization.
Positive expectations, when grounded in reality and fueled by a growth mindset, can pull us forward. They can help us uncover hidden talents, push past perceived limitations, and achieve feats we once thought impossible. They serve as a compass, guiding us through uncharted territories, helping us define what truly matters.
So, as we navigate the intricate labyrinth of our lives, let us not dismantle all expectations. Instead, let us become skilled artisans of our own destinies, carefully selecting the expectations we embrace, discarding the ones that suffocate, and transforming the rest into powerful, personal aspirations. Let us learn to distinguish between the external noise and the internal symphony, recognizing that the most profound expectations are those we set for ourselves—tempered with realism, imbued with compassion, and ultimately, aimed at becoming the best, most authentic versions of ourselves. For in that discerning act, lies the true liberation from the invisible chains we forge.
